Which Type of Fan Are You?

By my count, there are seven groups into which you can categorize every sports fan. Most fan bases tend to oscillate between several of these states from week to week or season to season, but they ultimately fall somewhere on this spectrum: 

Apathetic / Know-Nothing Party
It bothers me that I even have to include this group on my list of fans, yet we have to reserve a spot for the people who claim to have an infatuation for a certain team when they’re doing well but couldn’t even tell you who their starting quarterback is if you held a gun to their head. I respect the people who tell you up front they don’t really follow the sport intensely and they simply support a specific team for their geographic location or the color of their jerseys in the same manner that I respect the girl at the bar who confesses to being in a committed relationship before you start pumping drinks into her. But I have no respect for the guy who acts like the biggest fan of a team but couldn’t even contribute to a conversation about said team. If I ever open my own sports bar, you’ll be required to pass a sports IQ test in order to qualify for prime seating.

Eternal Optimist
This is the group you just have to feel bad for. They tend to say things like “If we win out and the Patriots lose the rest of their games…” or “If our kick returner gets it going…” or “Just wait until next season when…” or “Clausen looked great in the pre-season!” These are the fans that keep track of moral victories and don’t understand the concept of rooting for draft position. But God bless them, because without the eternal optimists, the Lions, Browns, Panthers, and Bills wouldn’t have sold a single season ticket in the past decade.

Rational Realist
Commonly and incorrectly labeled as pessimists, these are the fans that recognize their team’s strengths and weaknesses and formulate their expectations accordingly. What separates this group from the optimists and the pessimists is that they hope for the best for their team, whereas the others can’t help but expect either the best or the worst. In my experience, this is the group that tends to know their team in and out and at the very least is capable of carrying on a conversation about a number of the key players on other teams throughout the league. While they inevitably waver between optimism and pessimism, these are the fans you would want to strike up a conversation with at a sports bar, which is convenient, because most of the regulars at your local sports bar would fall into this category.

Uber-Pessimist
You may know them as Doomsday Theorists, but this is the group that always expects something to go wrong. Scholars have yet to agree upon the source of this wide-spread self-flagellation. It seems most prevalent among teams with a history of playoff futility and stomach punches (Scott Norwood, Earnest Byner, Gary Anderson, Kevin Dyson, Tuck Rule/Immaculate Reception), but it has also been known to inexplicably afflict fan bases of successful franchises, such as the Dallas Cowboys and the New York Yankees. Whatever the cause of their pain, watching a game with these fans is more insufferable than talking to a recently heartbroken friend. All they want to talk about is how things went horribly wrong, how they should have seen it coming, and how they’ll never know true love again. Until their favorite team makes it through an entire season without losing a game or giving up a point, they’ll always expect the worst.

Loose Cannon
These are the fans that decide every September “I’m going to allow 53 grown men to dictate what frame of mind I’ll be in on a week-to-week basis for the next 17-22 weeks.” If you’re reading this post, I think we can agree we all get a little too involved in something we ultimately have no control over, but I’m talking about the people who are still pissed off at the world on the Thursday following Week 4 for a bad call at the end of the 3rd quarter. I can’t believe we chastised Stevie Johnson for being upset about being the person who actually dropped that ball two weeks ago, but we don’t put people into rehab for some of the things they would do on a weekly basis if they rooted passionately for the Panthers this year. I’ll be the first to admit that I get fired up over sports and video games way more than I should, but give me five minutes and a beer to relax and I’ll do just that. Some of these fans literally terrify me.

Superstitious Supporter
Whether you’re willing to admit it or not, so long as you don’t fall in the Know-Nothing Party, we all have a little bit of this in our blood. I wear the same Dante Hall jersey every week and only wash it after the luck has run out (and after 3 straight wins, it’s probably getting a little gross). If my team is on a hot streak, I would wet my pants before I got up to use the bathroom, because we all know that would ruin their mojo. I’m sure there are other things I’ve done out of superstition, but this is the first season in a while that has been worth rooting for, so it’s difficult to remember. And I think I’m relatively low-key with my superstitions compared to others. Some people in this category are out of control. I’ve known people to perform the exact same ritual for weeks on end to the point that they were unwilling to watch the game with me or even invite me into their home on game-day because it isn’t part of their routine. Did I mention that these people have absolutely no control over what happens on the field? Don’t tell that to them though. They’re the reason their team has a winning record, and you can’t prove otherwise.

Conspiracy Theorist
We’ve all made jokes about refs with an agenda or the league being fixed, but most of us don’t actually believe any of that. However, it seems that every year there’s one team whose fan base legitimately believes that the NFL wants nothing more than to see them fall apart at the seams. This year, those fans reside in Western Pennsylvania.

The irony of the matter is that going into this season without their star QB, many fans in Pittsburgh were in uber-pessimist mode despite winning 2 of the last 5 super bowls. Now we’re 75% of the way through the season, they’re somehow sitting at 9-3, and all their fans can talk about is how unfair it is that Harrison gets fined and no one else does. Before the most important win of their entire regular season had even drawn to a close, the texts and tweets demanding fines and suspensions for Ngata and McClain were already flying in. I’m sick of hearing statements that start out “If Harrison had made either of those hits…” because if Harrison HAD made either of those hits, Ben would have a concussion and Heath Miller would be dead.

It seems as though Harrison has finally started to turn a corner, though, because he made a perfectly legal hit on Flacco on Sunday night. It was textbook. And I guarantee the people who dole out the fines were watching it like a proud papa who handed out plenty of spankings as his kids were growing up. He still has some headhunter tendencies, but if he continues to play how he has the past few weeks, the fines should stop rolling in. But even if they don’t stop, they really aren’t having any effect on his bank account. $125,000 out of $13,357,280 isn’t exactly a life-altering penalty. Maybe they are making an example of Harrison, but maybe they’re doing it because he can handle it.

Should the hits on Roethlisberger and Miller have been penalties and/or fines? My honest opinion on the matter is that Ben brings it upon himself by being so resilient. You have to beat the hell out of him in order to sack him, and the refs know that. They can’t treat him the same way they treat a guy like Peyton Manning who trips over his own happy feet on the way to a sack sometimes. Just look at how difficult it was to bring Ben down on that 1st and goal play when he was wrapped up but got away from Suggs and flung the ball away. That’s a sack on any other quarterback in the league…not just because any other quarterback would go down, but because any other quarterback would have been whistled down before then. On the Broncos’ last drive against the Chiefs on Sunday, Kyle Orton was wrapped up and was able to fling the ball out, seemingly from behind his back before he went down. Moreno caught the ball and was on his way to some legit yardage before the refs whistled the play dead and ruled it a sack. I’m almost positive they don’t blow that play dead against the Steelers, because if the refs are biased towards the Steelers in any fashion, it’s that they give Ben the benefit of the doubt with his ability to get out of a defender’s grasp. Inevitably, he’s going to take shots to the head and the refs are going to miss them.

Regarding the hit on Heath Miller, that’s a solid, legal hit if Miller can keep his feet under him, but because he was falling to his knees as the hit was coming, he ended up taking a shot to the helmet. That’s the ridiculous thing about trying to enforce these rules. Especially on the quarterbacks, the defenders are limited to such a small allowable target zone, and that zone is constantly moving and changing. Remember when Anquan Boldin had his nasal cavity destroyed by a helmet to helmet hit because he was falling down as the defender tried to hit him in the chest? Shit like that just happens. It certainly was a vicious shot though. Did you see the way Baltimore immediately signaled for someone on Pittsburgh’s sideline to come to Miller’s aid? His capa was damn near detated from his body. In honor of the recent Harry Potter movie’s release, henceforth, I propose we refer to him as Nearly Headless Heath.

One quick aside to the Steelers conspiracy theorists before I jump into my picks for the week: if you honestly believe the NFL is out to get you and that Goodell wants nothing more than to see Pittsburgh fail, I dare you to propose your theory to fans in Seattle (Super Bowl XL) or Miami (Roethlisberger’s fumble in week 7).

Eliminator Suggestions:

The really disappointing thing about my eliminator suggestions from last week is that my straight predictions were 12-3 on the week, but 2 of those 3 losses were among the 4 games I suggested for the challenge. I can’t believe the Colts have lost 3 straight games. Has that even happened since Peyton’s rookie season? And how do the Chargers get swept by a team that scored a total of 20 points in the previous 2 weeks combined? And both of those teams lost at home? Unheard of. I hope you all took the Eagles with me. After that pathetic week, I’m now 40-12 on the season, and my number one pick went down for the 2nd time. Guess I’ll have to give better justifications for my picks this week in order to regain your trust.

#4. Saints over Rams

They’ve had their share of last second victories, they’ve allowed the fewest passing touchdowns in the league, and after their impressive playoff run last season, they’re in position to win the whole thing this year. No, I’m not talking about the New York Jets. Has a 9-3 defending Super Bowl champion ever gotten less publicity? When the Jets win last second games, everyone worships Sanchez; when the Saints win last second games, everyone talks about defenders biting on hard counts, wide receivers fumbling balls, and cornerbacks who should’ve just taken a knee after their interception. It hardly seems fair. The irony is that if the Jets were playing the Rams at home, they’d be the consensus #1 pick, but as it stands, the Saints barely crack the top 4. With games left against Atlanta, Baltimore, and Tampa Bay, the Saints absolutely need this game, because 9-7 isn’t going to cut it, and I’m guessing Tampa Bay is the only team left on their schedule that they’ll beat. Saints by 4.

#3. Chargers over Chiefs

They lost to the Raiders last week because they were thinking about this game, and you can’t convince me otherwise. So long as they have a playoff pulse, I’m legally obligated to assume the Chargers will find a way to make the playoffs, and if they lose this game, they’re officially eliminated. Ergo, Chargers by 7.

#2. Jets over Dolphins

The Jets held Carson Palmer to 135 yards, a TD, and 2 interceptions on Thanksgiving, and that’s arguably the only terrible quarterback they’ve faced thus far. Can’t wait to see what they do against Chad Henne in the aftermath of his 3 interception day against the Brownies. I’m only mildly concerned about this being a trap game in between road battles with the 2 best teams in the AFC. Jets by 13.

#1. Steelers vs. Bengals

Remember when the Bengals were 2-1? Wow. You know you’ve reached rock bottom when I don’t even recommend a 10-2 team playing against a 1-11 team and yet think that your loss is the most inevitable thing of the entire weekend. What are the odds that T.Ocho starts just bringing reality show cameras into the huddle with them and/or that Marvin Lewis gets fired during halftime. Steelers by 20

The Commish’s NFL Upset of the week

Minnesota over New York Giants

Teams I’m recommending in this segment (which have to be underdogs by at least 4 points) have now won outright in 7 of the past 8 weeks, and would be 8 for 8 if Stevie Johnson hangs onto that ball. At the very least, I’m on an 8 game winning streak of teams covering the spread.

There isn’t a line on this one yet because of the Favre injury, but I have to assume it’ll be Giants by 4.5. The Giants victimize teams that can’t pass block and can’t defend the pass and they struggle against teams who are at least average in those categories. In fact, the only teams that they’ve beaten that are in the better half of the league in sacks allowed are Detroit and Dallas, and both of those games ended up being wins most likely because they knocked the opposing starting quarterback out of the game. Even at that, Drew Stanton damn near pulled that game out, and Jon Kitna beat them the next time they faced off. Well, even with Favre taking stupid sacks, the Vikings are still 12th in the league in sacks allowed, and their passing defense is in the top half of the league as well. Leslie Frazier has rejuvenated this team, and playing at home against a shorthanded Giants passing attack, I think the Vikings and Adrian Peterson should be able to pull off the upset.

Fantasy League Standings:

#1. Miller’s Chiefs (9-4) 1607
#2. Garland’s Giants (9-4) 1327.4
#3. Nelson’s Steelers (8-5) 1398.3
#4. Montgomery’s Rams (8-5) 1371.4
#5. Meyers’ Cowboys (8-5) 1369.7
#6. Duncan’s Packers (7-6) 1421.8
~~~~~~~~~~Playoff Cut Line~~~~~~~~~~
#7. Gideon’s Bears (7-6) 1388.1
#8. Harshbarger’s Chargers (7-6) 1286.9
#9. A’S BENGALS (6-7) 1446.3
#10. O’NEILL’S BUCCANEERS (5-8) 1399.1
#11. YELEN’S TEXANS (5-8) 1114.6
#12. DINCHER’S DOLPHINS (4-9) 1441.2
#13. TRAVELPIECE’S 49ERS (4-9) 1304.3
#14. DAMN’S BILLS (4-9) 1064.8

Clinched Playoffs
ELIMINATED FROM PLAYOFFS

Since I was unable to outscore Harshbarger this past weekend, there are still mathematical possibilities that get him into the playoffs, but they are highly unlikely. That being the case, it effectively all comes down to one game:

The Most Important Regular Season Game in the History of Our League:

Duncan’s Packers (7-6) vs. Gideon’s Bears (7-6)

Projected Line-Ups:

GB: Cassel, MJD, Mendenhall, Mi. Williams (TB), Welker, Knox, Gates, Vikings D, Rackers

Vs.

Chi: Brady, B. Jackson, McCoy, Nicks, Smith 1.0, Ford, Winslow, Chargers D, Bironas

There’s only one game of importance this week, and the shame of the matter is that it won’t even be a close one. When I started writing this post, this was looking like a pretty intriguing game, as each owner was going to have 3 or 4 real question marks / weaknesses. But now, in light of recent garbage trades (which have 110% convinced me that the trade deadline needs to be at least 2 weeks earlier next season), Duncan is down to one weakness and one questionable starter which would become a weakness if he doesn’t play; meanwhile, Gideon worked hard all season through trades and free agency to put together a playoff worthy roster to the point that he was unable to capitalize on the late deadline and will inevitably fall just short of the playoffs, as always seems to be the case for him.

Since this is the only game I’m breaking down, I’ll give you 10 reasons why this will be a cakewalk for Duncan.

#1. MJD.

The hyphen is only projected to get 20 points, but I find that laughable. At home, where he’s tallied 3 games of 25+ fantasy points this season, against a horrible Raiders rush defense…I don’t see how he goes for less than 28. Dude had 19 points this past weekend and didn’t even score a touchdown. You can count on him for 2 this weekend.

#2. James Starks.

You would think having a running back against the 30th ranked Lions rush defense would be a great omen, but Brandon Jackson has apparently been replaced by James Starks. Considering he lost Ryan Grant to an injury and he’s been losing Jackson to John Kuhn and now James Starks all season, I think we have a pretty good idea of the luck that Gideon has had this season.

#3. Mike Williams.

The stats on the Redskins secondary aren’t as pathetic as they were a week ago, considering they allowed the Giants to run all over them and Eli barely had to throw the ball, but they’re still really bad. Mike Williams has had at least 4 receptions for 68 yards and a touchdown in each of his 4 games against the notably awful secondaries of Atlanta (31st, twice), Cincinnati (26th), and Arizona (22nd). Considering Tampa Bay lost some offensive linemen this week and probably won’t be able to run the ball much, I’m sure they’ll be throwing most of the day. Washington (28th) won’t be able to contain him or Jaash Freeman.

#4. Hakeem Nicks.

Even if he plays, he’ll be a little gimpy, and it’s not as if the Vikings have a horrible secondary.

#5. Anquan Boldin.

The Texans have given up at least 30 fantasy points to opposing wide receivers in all but 3 games this season, and in 2 of those games, Rusty Smith and Bruce Gradkowski were throwing the ball. It’s going to be a great day for Flacco and Boldin owners.

#6. Jacoby Ford.

1 reception for 4 yards last week? Yes, it was a touchdown, but this guy is completely unreliable, especially in a league that awards no points for kick return yards.

#7. Wes Welker.

Not that I necessarily expect all that much out of Welker against the Bears, but considering Gideon will be starting Tom Brady, it’s like Welker’s points have a 2x multiplier, because it essentially erases some of Brady’s numbers…and he’s certainly been looking Welker’s way a lot in the past 4 weeks.

#8. Rob Bironas.

The Titans haven’t been scoring at all in the past 2 weeks, so why would you want their kicker on your team?

#9. Rashard Mendenhall.

Dude ran at will against the Bengals in Week 9, and with Ben banged up and it getting much colder in Pittsburgh, I’m sure they’ll rely on him to carry the load again this time around.

#10. Prognostication.

I predicted Duncan to win the league in the pre-season. And I mean, there’s no way he doesn’t win this game, so he’s well on his way.

Final: GB 179-84.

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